Mending Fences | Lifesigns Magazine

Have you ever wondered where the phrase “mending fences” came from? The phrase came from the 17th-century proverb, "Good fences make good neighbors," from Robert Frost's 1914 poem "Mending Wall". As time passed, it was accepted as a metaphor for rebuilding relationships. Normally, we think of a fence as a way of keeping animals or people out to avoid potential conflict or wanting privacy. The term “mending fences” eventually evolved to mean to reconcile or repair a broken relationship that came through an offense.

The first recorded offense in the Bible was the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden where Satan tempted them. God had commanded them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 3:4-5). Because of their disobedience, sin and death came into the world. Satan, the thief, still comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He wants to destroy our relationship through offenses with Jesus, family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers.

Offenses come through actions of the flesh, pride, our words, minor misunderstandings, and a lack of grace. Even God’s Word can cause offense. When Jesus declared Himself to be “the bread of life” and told His followers they must eat His flesh and drink His blood, many were offended (John 6:51–58).

They murmured, “This is a hard saying; who can hear it?”

Sensing their struggle, Jesus asked, “Does this offend you?” (John 6:60-61)

The offense came because they took His words literally.

Jesus said in John 6:63, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.” His teaching pointed not to eating bread or flesh, but to receiving Him by faith.

Even today, His words may offend us. But behind the hard sayings lies eternal truth: real life is found not in earthly things, but in Christ Himself. When His Word challenges us, will we turn away like the crowd—or believe and receive the Spirit?

A beautiful picture of mending fences and how to get over offense is seen in the story of Jacob and Esau. These two men were not only brothers, but they were twin brothers. Their story is filled with offenses, betrayal, conflict, struggles, and deception, but in the end we see where fences were mended between them.

The struggle between Esau and Jacob began while they were in Rebekah, their mother’s womb. “But the children struggled together within her; and she said, ‘if all is well, why am I like this?’ So she went to inquire of the LORD.” (Genesis 25:22)

The word “struggle” in the Hebrew carries the idea of wrestling. That struggle was literal and symbolic as God would tell Rebekah that two nations were in her womb.

And the LORD said to her: “Two nations are in your womb, Two peoples shall be separated from your body; One people shall be stronger than the other, And the older shall serve the younger.” (Genesis 25:23)

Jacob and Esau represented two different nations. Esau represented Edom, a nation who would oppose God’s people, while Jacob represented the chosen line that would lead to Israel and Jesus. Jacob, later called Israel, and Edom, Esau’s descendants, have had continual struggles throughout history. Not only did Jacob and Esau represent two different nations, but Esau represented the flesh while Jacob represented the spirit. There is an ongoing struggle between the flesh and spirit where offenses can evolve.

“For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.” (Galatians 5:17)

Offenses continued to escalate between the brothers. One day Esau came in from the fields extremely hungry. Jacob took advantage of his hunger by convincing Esau to sell his birthright for a bowl of stew (Genesis 25:29-34).

Later on, with the help of his mother, Jacob deceived his father by pretending to be Esau, which resulted in him stealing Esau’s birthright blessing (Genesis 27). When Esau heard about what Jacob had done, he cried bitterly and vowed to kill Jacob. Jacob escaped to Haran for 20 years where he would experience deception himself from his future father-in-law.

When offenses come, we can either be bitter or better. Many times unreconciled offenses result in years of needless separation. Do not put off being reconciled with someone who has brought an offense.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

The longer we hold on to and nurse an offense the deeper it grows. Do not let bitterness take root over offenses, as it could affect many others.

“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;” (Hebrews 12:14)

What lessons can we learn from Jacob and Esau about mending fences, and what steps did Jacob and Esau take?

Jacob took the situation to God first. Ask the Lord to prepare both your heart and the other person’s heart for reconciliation. Do not be on the defense, which results in walls being built, but approach the offended person in humility. Jacob bowed seven times before Esau. Humility disarms hostility which results in peace.

Jacob had a night of wrestling with God at Peniel (Genesis 32:24-30). This shows that true reconciliation begins with God. Jacob was broken and changed by God.

Esau had every reason to hold a grudge but chose to forgive Jacob. He ran to Jacob, embraced him, and wept (Genesis 33:4). Instead of clinging to the past, he chose to let it go. This act mirrors the heart of God when He ran to the prodigal son. Forgiveness brings freedom to both parties.

After their encounter, Jacob and Esau went their separate ways—Esau to Seir and Jacob to Shechem, but eventually he settled in Hebron (Genesis 33:12-17). Jacob and Esau weren’t neighbors, but they lived within a week’s journey of one another, close enough for family encounters yet far enough to avoid constant conflict where it says the land couldn’t support them both together.

Reconciliation may not always mean having a close relationship within the offended parties, but it does bring peace and closure.

Jacob and Esau’s reconciliation reminds us that Jesus’ death on the cross bore the weight of our offenses so that we could be reconciled to God and be an instrument of reconciliation.

“Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:18)

Are you reconciled to God? Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, you can be. Repent today of your sins and confess Jesus as your Lord.

Is there someone you need to mend a fence with or has someone hurt you through an offense? Do not be on the defensive but take the necessary steps today to be reconciled.

Jesus said in Matthew 18:7, “Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes.”