An Actionable Choice | Lifesigns Magazine

Forgiveness is often defined as letting go of resentment toward an offender, or choosing to pardon them. It is an intentional, actionable choice, not merely a feeling that comes and goes. Words we tie to it include pardon, absolution, clemency, and—my favorite—grace. And for the Christian, forgiveness is not optional. It is a fundamental act of grace God calls us to, because He has first shown mercy and grace to us.

There was a time not so long ago when I never imagined those words could feel so difficult to understand, much less live out. My motto has always been, “I try to exhibit Jesus in all I do,” and the key words there are “I try.” Because forgiveness, as even Webster’s definition hints, is a decision you make with your will. And for a stretch of years, it was a decision I kept failing to make.

After years of holding on to resentment, you learn that unforgiveness wears on more than just your mind. It can shape you into someone you were never meant to be. It can also place a barrier around your soul, limiting your ability to communicate with God through the Holy Spirit. That disconnect leaves us cut off from the one Source we were meant to stay connected to, and it can leave us feeling alone, depressed, angry, and, at times, out of control.

So, let me ask you something that hits close to home: is unforgiveness holding you back from your next blessing? And what if that blessing is something as important as peace?

We are all going to have seasons in our lives when we do not want to forgive someone for what they said or did. For me, it has been one of the hardest things to do, especially when I did not feel the other person was sincerely sorry.

But here is the question we have to face: Does their sincerity determine our obedience?

And here is the answer, plainly: no.

Whether the other person is sincere or not should not be the deciding factor when it comes to you and your decision to forgive. God is not going to hold you responsible for someone else’s heart, motives, or level of remorse. He holds you responsible for yours. And I know this is hard for most of us, but the other person’s heart cannot be the main variable in our equation. That is not our place to measure. We are told to forgive, plain and simple, with no conditions attached.

Now, the Bible does not say you have to forget. Some wounds leave scars, and some lessons have to be remembered. But we are commanded to forgive and to move forward so that bitterness does not keep chaining us to the past and stealing the peace God desires for us.

The world wants you to believe it is okay if you do not forgive, that forgiveness has to be earned by the offending party. If they show no remorse, you are not obligated to extend grace. But, if we live by the world’s standards, who would we forgive? How many people do you know who have wronged you and then willingly come to you and say, “I am sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me?” I don’t know about you, but I cannot think of any personally. So, does that mean we are justified to hold on to unforgiveness until they do? I think you already know the answer.

Over the years, I have learned that forgiveness is often more for us than for the offender. Nine times out of ten, the other person either does not realize how deeply they hurt you, or they simply do not care. Either way, forgiveness opens the closed doors of our hearts, minds, and souls. It helps us breathe again. It allows those communication paths between the Holy Spirit and our soul to flow freely again. To me, it is like opening a clogged water hose or wiping a muddy windshield clean. Suddenly, you can see again. You get that living water flowing back into your life when you once felt dry and thirsty. It is the realization that something had been missing, and you could not fully name it until God began restoring it.

Forgiveness is an actionable choice we make, and, if we’re being honest, sometimes our flesh feels vindicated and justified to hate. It can even feel “good” to hold on to those dark thoughts. But nothing changes until we make a conscious choice to turn in a different direction and keep choosing that direction again and again.

The Bible tells us forgiveness is non-negotiable. Over and over, Scripture teaches that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14–15, Matthew 18:21–22, among others). Those verses are powerful; they tell us what we need to do and why.

But is it really as simple as reading a few scriptures, saying a few prayers, and then, just like that, the unforgiveness in our hearts disappears? I wish I could tell you it is always that immediate. Some people do experience a quick release, the clear “water flow” and clarity I described earlier. But for me, and for quite a few others I know, it was a longer process.

I cannot speak for everyone. I can only speak for myself and share how I finally found the clarity and relief I so desperately needed. As a Christian, it began with conviction. That is often the clearest sign that the Holy Spirit is telling you something is not right inside. I had that conviction for years. That uneasy, dirty, clogged, foggy feeling lingered. I knew it was there; I just did not want to address it. That was my flesh. It wasn’t until I made the conscious decision to begin forgiving this person that I truly began to move forward. It was not easy. In fact, even after I decided, it still took time, even years.

Some would say, “Well, you never really tried then.” I would say, “You are wrong. I did try.” It was no different than someone trying to quit drinking, stop lying, or [insert your struggle]. These are actionable choices, and we fail at them from time to time. But in my heart, I wanted to forgive. I really did, because I knew it was rotting my mind. I could see it; my kids could see it; my family could see it.

Something else hit me in a humbling way. Sometimes, when we finally forgive, it feels like such a major victory that we want to pat ourselves on the back. We want to point at the moment and say, “Look, Lord. I did it!” But Jesus teaches us that forgiveness is not an extraordinary act for the believer; it is ordinary obedience. It is not something we do to earn praise. It is something we do because He is Lord.

Luke 17:10 says, “So you too, when you have done everything that was assigned and commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy servants (undeserving of praise or a reward, for we have not gone beyond our obligation); we have merely done what we ought to do.’”

That verse reminds us that forgiveness is not about proving our strength. It is about submitting our hearts. We forgive because we belong to Jesus. We forgive because we have been forgiven. We forgive because bitterness is too expensive, peace is too precious.

I truly believe forgiveness is a journey. It often starts with conviction from the Holy Spirit, and it is also a journey you cannot complete on your own. The grace you give is not ultimately for the transgressor’s benefit, but for your own freedom. Unforgiveness can leave us lonely, angry, and even depressed. I believe we cannot progress in our walk with Christ if we hold unforgiveness in our hearts. At the very least, it puts us at a standstill. More often, it pulls us in the opposite direction of who we were created to be.

If you are in that position, if you are carrying unforgiveness, let me encourage you: do not give up. Keep pressing forward. Do not listen to the world that tells you it is okay, or that it will eventually go away, because it will not. It will keep eating at you until you become someone you do not recognize. When you hear someone say, “God has a plan for your life,” understand that walking in that plan begins with surrender and with refusing to let unforgiveness live in your heart.

Scripture reminds us, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NIV). May the Lord soften what is hard in us, heal what has been wounded, and give us the grace to forgive as we have been forgiven. Go out and make the actionable choice to forgive today.