However, God does love me, and it is a love that no matter how I feel or think is undeniable.

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Most people have a hard time forgiving others because of what was done to them by the offending party. Most of my walk with Jesus has been froth with constant interaction with people—some good, some bad. Mostly good. I don’t really have a major issue with forgiving others, mainly because I know how crazy our world is and how crazy we as humans can be. I am one.

 

Yet, there are those of us who find it much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. That was my problem: forgiving myself. When I would fail, sin, mess up, make a mistake, miss the mark, I would release a tirade of negativity at myself. I would beat myself up in my mind, and I would say things out loud to myself that were derogatory and demeaning. I thought this was a way of making myself do better the next time. And how did that work out for me? Not good. It only exacerbated the whole beatdown on myself. It wasn’t the kind of behavior or attitude that God wanted me to have.

 

Scripture says, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh.” (Romans 8:1, my paraphrase) I would interpret this incorrectly because I was walking in the flesh; so, therefore, I deserved condemnation. Many of you reading this article say the same thing to yourself.

 

Satan is a deceiver, a manipulator, a twister, a confuser (yes, a real word), and a liar. He will use every option in his bag of tricks to get you to see things his way without knowing it’s his way. He will convince you that it’s your way. You don’t know you’re deceived until your eyes are opened by the Holy Spirit to the deception.

 

That was me for many years of my life. I constantly beat myself down mentally. I would work, serve, or perform as much as I could so that somehow I would be able to earn the love of God.

 

As an eighteen-year-old Bible School Student at Christ For The Nations Institute, I was overwhelmed by the love of God so much so that my soul and body reacted in such a way that I could not control it. While we were in worship, the Holy Spirit revealed to my spirit how much God loved me, and I began to weep uncontrollably. I tried to stop but couldn’t. Honestly, I didn’t want to stop. It must have been 20 or 30 minutes of weeping, falling on my knees, getting back up, raising my hands, and singing praise to God repeatedly. It was from that day forward that I have never doubted God’s love for me. I may have doubted my love for Him but never His love for me. This life-altering revelation changed how I lived. I began to live with purpose, direction, vision, compassion, and hope. I had a confidence that I could not explain. There was nothing I couldn’t do because I knew God was walking right beside me.

 

However, over the years I started to “get used to” the fact that God loved me. I began to take His love for granted, to live carelessly and arrogantly. I wasn’t living in mortal or habitual sin. I simply was living my own way. God had called me into ministry and during this time I was hired as a youth pastor in a small church. I was doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. I loved God, loved people, but it was all for my benefit, for my pleasure. God in His mercy and kindness allowed me to see success as a young minister. By success I mean that young people were getting saved, their lives were being changed, and the Kingdom was growing because of what I was doing. Be it little, it was growing. The sad thing about all this was that during this time in my life I was still constantly berating myself when I would do something wrong, not get something right, an event would not meet up to my expectations, or I would not live up to my own standard. I would say things to myself like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re an idiot. You’re so stupid.”

 

Then one day in my quiet time, GOD SPOKE.

 

I don’t know how God speaks to you, but to me He has always been straightforward and to the point. That might be because I am that way—cut to the chase and go right to the heart of the problem. Well, that’s what He did that day.

 

“Hey, Todd, you know that when you don’t forgive yourself and I have already forgiven you that you are exalting yourself higher than Me?”

 

I sat in my chair, dumbfounded. I did not know what to say. I knew He was right. The next words out of my mouth to God were immature and obvious.

 

I said, “Yes, sir. You’re right.”